Jacqueline Novogratz: Inspiring a life of immersion

Amazing woman.

If you don't want to watch the whole thing, I'd recommend going to 14:25 -- one of many of the great stories told by Jacqueline in this clip.

I'm caught in Your grace...

A thousand times I've failed,
Still Your mercy remains
And should I stumble again,
I'm caught in Your grace...


I feel like the last quarter of my life so far has been filled with a lot of mistakes. I have the inexplicable ability to continually screw things up. Unfortunately, my mistakes bear consequences that not only affect me but also often [negatively] affect people around me. It would be easier if my consequences were really just my consequences. But they're not. And worse, I'm pretty sure that the fact that people are hurt by me is incredibly hurtful to God too.


For some reason, I lost it tonight. Thinking about how often and how badly I've messed up in the past number of years always brings me back to the question: why am I such a terrible person.


I need to continue reminding myself of the idea of grace and redemption. I marvel at these concepts; they are so beautiful in nature, which is partly why I find God so awe-inspiring. Yet, I can't fully accept His grace.

Today was the end of my three week food fast. It was truly an amazing experience and so happened to be the perfect time for me, as the weeks following the start of the fast were incredibly tough and trying. But God is good and carried me through. I'm considering extending my fast, though I think food fasting specifically may be unwise for me to continue. I need to contemplate a bit more but would definitely like to keep fasting and seeking.


I keep saying that I want to stop screwing up, that I'm tired of constantly making mistakes and making things worse and hurting people and etc etc etc. But I don't think I can stop making mistake after mistake if I can't first stop berating myself, accept grace, and forgive. It's only then that I can have some forward motion. So let's work on that for now...

Trading in metal rings

There was a father who took his daughter to the playground at the nearby park one day. The daughter found a metal ring with a plastic rhinestone in the pebbly ground near the slides. Excited at her discovery, she ran to her father and shouted, "Daddy, look what I found! It's so beautiful! I love it!" The father smiled and said that it was indeed pretty but maybe she should just leave it at the playground. She begged to keep it, saying that she loved it so much. The daughter put it on and refused to take it off.

She wore the ring for days and proudly took care of it. Soon, however, the metal of the ring began leaving an ugly green stain around her finger. Still, she adored the shiny metal band and the sparkle of the plastic rhinestone and thus the ring remained on day and night, as did the stain.

Finally, her father went into her room one night to tuck her in. He asked her, "Do you love me, honey?"

And she replied, "Of course, Daddy!"

He asked her, "How much do you love me?"

"More than anyone else in the whole wide world!" she smiled.

"More than anything too?" he asked.

"Yep. You're the best daddy ever."

He smiled and added, "And you know I love you too, right? More than anyone or anything."

The little girl nodded.

The father then took her hands and said, "Sweetie, do you love me enough to give me your ring?"

The girl's smile flattened out and she looked confused and worried. "But Daddy," she started saying in a quiet voice, "I love my ring too..."

Her father nodded and said, "It's okay, honey. I understand." The girl nodded again, this time slowly and sadly, and the father kissed her forehead, tucked her in, and wished her a good night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The following night, he asked her again if she loved him and the girl excitedly replied, "Yes!"

"Do you love me enough to give me your ring?" he inquired.

The girl got upset again and stated that her ring was pretty and she liked it on her hand. "Plus, Daddy, you wouldn't like it anyways!" The father nodded and said he understood. Again, he kissed her forehead, tucked her in, and wished her a good night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
By the third night, the little girl's smile left her face as her father started to ask her if she loved him. She quickly answered, "Daddy, you know I love you! I just want my ring too."

The father said, "I know you love your ring, sweetie. I just want to know if you love me enough to give the ring to Daddy."

This time, the girl thought about it for a long time as her tears streamed down her small face. Finally the daughter said, "Okay, Daddy. You can have my ring. Please take care of it though. It's so pretty and I love it."

As she took off her ring, he held out his left palm to take it. With his right hand, he pulled out a small box and placed it into the little girl's now-bare hand. The girl, with tears still trickling down her cheeks and nose still sniffling, took the box and opened it. As she did, her eyes grew wide and a large smile came to her face. For inside the small box was a real ring -- a silver one with a real gem in it that shined and sparkled far more greatly than the one that was now in her father's palm.

"Daddy, thank you so much! I love it and I love you!" the little girl squealed with excitement. "It's so much prettier than my other one!"

The father smiled with joy as he took the ring and placed it on the girl's tiny finger. He told her that the green mark from the metal ring will soon fade and that her new ring will not leave any stains on her hands because it was made especially for her delicate fingers with good material.

The girl, now tearing from excitement and joy, hugged her father tightly.

"Didn't I tell you," he whispered in her ear, "that I love you more than anyone or anything. I will always take care of you and give you better than the best."

The little girl kissed her father on the cheek and crawled back under her covers. He kissed her forehead, tucked her in, and wished her a good night.

Fasting: Week 2

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." - Phil. 4:6

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine mentioned that she was going to do a 3-week fast as she sought guidance and clarity about her future and certain things in her life. I decided to support her by joining her in her fast. Not surprisingly, I've been greatly impacted in the past week or two. What started as just an act of support to a friend and some relaxing meditation time with God turned into...something more. I don't know how to describe it.

Within a week, I've been hit with a lot of turmoil and trials. I have cried more in the past days than I have in a very long time. I have prayed the most sincere, selfless, humbling, and broken prayers I have prayed in a very long time (maybe ever). I have been more desperate for God and His presence than I have been in a very long time.

Even so, I think maybe I have been too passive in waiting for Him.

Another friend of mine who is going through a lot right now repeatedly asked me the other day if anything was worth fighting for. I was then reminded of Jacob wrestling with God -- one of my favorite passages. He wouldn't let go, and even injured himself, because he so desperately plead and fought to be blessed and to see God's glory in his life.

I need to fight even more. This desperation is becoming overwhelming, I'm not sure how to handle it. But I think pleading for blessings is one way to go for now.

My cry, my one desire

Sovereign God,
my Peace and my Joy.

The one thing I ask of You, Lord --
this is what I seek --
that I may dwell in Your house all the days of my life,
to gaze upon Your beauty, O Lord, and to seek You in Your temple.

My cry, my one desire
is to be where You are, Lord,
where there is no pain and no suffering, no hurting people, no confusion or chaos;
where we will rejoice and sing with the angel voices all the days of our lives.

Sovereign God,
my Peace and my Joy,
my hope is in You only.

Potentially overemotional week: day 1

Scathed a bit but surviving.


I lift my eyes up
to the hills.
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from You,
Maker of heaven,
Creator of the earth.

2011

1. 365 days of pictures:
   In middle school and high school, I took a billion pictures; I was never without a camera (I had gone from disposable cameras to a point-and-shoot film camera to a beautiful Minolta xd-7 to a Canon G5, which was pretty much permanently attached to my hand from 10th grade until 12th grade). And then college hit and my camera suddenly stopped joining my on my daily adventures. Even after I purchased a Canon Rebel XS and a Canon SD780, my photo-taking increased a bit but still stayed at a significant low in comparison to my younger years. This year, I will document my life more -- because life is precious and my memory is seriously shot (note to self: take more fish oil capsules). Also, I'll try to post the week's pictures up.


2. Speak more than English:
   I will improve my Spanish significantly. I will learn to do more than read & write the Bengali alphabet -- I will actually learn words so that I can understand what I am reading & writing. I will improve my Cantonese. I will pick up more Mandarin. I will attempt French and Portuguese (again). The last sentence is a huge maybe.


3. Travel:
   Hong Kong. Macau. Nanning. Shanghai. Dhaka. Kolkata. Hyderabad. Mumbai. Rajasthan. Delhi. Kopila Valley. Dubai. Anywhere inspiring.


4. Read at least a double-digit amount of books:
   This excludes assigned academic texts and the Bible.


5. Read the Bible. Like, really read it:
   I once had about 10 books of the New Testament memorized word for word, references and all. And not just zombie-memorized; really studied and memorized. I sadly cannot say that I can recite most of them to you anymore. Time to brush up. Maybe not memorize word for word, but definitely take this reading way more seriously than I did in 2010.


6. Cultivate creativity:
   I will paint more than one piece this year. I will actually use my sketchbooks for more than propping up things and collecting dust. I will Sculpey. I will design. I will innovate. I will dance. I will get inspired in any way I can. I will spray paint. I will take photographs, not just pictures and snapshots. I will write. I will be someone's muse and model.


7. Listen to more music:
   I used to be a music junkie. The whole indie-punk stereotype. In 2011, I will discover new music and listen to it more. If you have recommendations, send them over. Music inspires me; I think that's why I stopped creating as much in college. I stopped listening to music like I used to.


8. Go on more daily adventures:
   This pertains specifically to my city. I don't know how much longer I will be in New York City, the best place ever. I may be here forever...but I may not. I already go on a good amount of excursions on these streets but I want to continue it and do it even more this coming year.


9. Listen to more sermons online:
   At least twice a month.


10. Select and maintain friendships better:
    In the past, I've gotten into a lot of trouble because of people misinterpreting my actions -- either I act too much and end up being seen as demanding or I don't act enough and I'm told I'm ignoring people. I will be more conscious of my friendships, make dates with people, enjoy company, be aware of girls' cattiness and boys' idiocies, and mold myself more to be a better friend who understands, accepts, and loves her friends around her. In an almost paradoxical attempt at a balance, I will also be more careful in choosing who I spend my time with and who I let into my heart. Not everyone should be so intimately deemed a friend, otherwise there may be a lot of hurt and heartache. Noted.


11. Say yes to dates/give him a chance:
    Since I was twelve, I have had some terrible stigma against the male population. I don't know if it's some need to prove I don't need a guy...that's likely it...but who knows. Guys who have shown interest in me I have shot down almost immediately. As I got older, the reaction time got faster too. And my reactions got meaner (ashamedly so).
    "Hey, are you friends with --"
    "Bugger off. I'm not interested."
    "But --"
    "BUGGER. OFF."
    "I was just --"
    "I'm a lesbian. And I have 5 kids. Go away."
    "Okay...nice chatting..."
    "Idiot."
    Okay, I exaggerate. I'm not that mean ever. But I really don't give guys much of a chance. It seems very counter-my-personality though to be so cold. With most new people, I'm cheery and excited to meet them. I think I just get turned off as soon as a guy shows interest. Anyways, I think it's time to melt the ice queen a bit (I was actually called that twice the past month) and start giving *some* guys a chance. It's unlikely (I reallyyy emphasize that word) anything will transpire beyond a coffee or a dinner but I don't see why we can't enjoy that coffee or dinner before realizing we're really nothing but acquaintances who like frapps or salmon rolls more than we like each other's company. It may be...nice. And who knows, a friendship may come out of it instead. Though guys almost never want to be friends with girls...whole 'nother story.


12. Take care of my physical self:
    Hopefully this means that I will work out more than once a month. But this definitely means that I will watch what and how I eat as much as possible (eat slower, chew more, go organic whenever fiscally possible, smaller portions, etc). I will drink more water and tea. I will take my vitamins and supplements (fish oil!!!). I will eat even more fruits and veggies than I already do. I will meditate. I will not sit on my butt all day. I will moisturize. I will definitely wear sunscreen (Baz Luhrmann).


13. Call home more:
    Or gchat or email or text. Whatever. And subresolution to this is to make sure I talk to Timothy more. I love my family and I want them to know that.

I think that's a pretty decent list for now. Broad enough to cover most things I want to do but specific enough to give a picture...actionable...measurable...timely...okay, yeah, I've been working on policy and business plan developments too much.

Digital story of the Nativity

Awesome.

Cutest telling of the story of Jonah

The story of Jonah from Corinth Baptist Church on Vimeo.

"Thank you for shaving me!"

Love her! Seriously, talented & smart kid.

On loss & being selfish

I recently had to give up something that was very significant to me. It was in part my decision, though I often feel as if I didn't have much choice in the matter. It's not the first time that I've had to sacrifice in exchange of something [hopefully] better. I like to just think of it as me giving up my own comfort and joy for the betterment of someone else.

Selfless and noble sounding.

But I think what I've really come to realize in all of this is that I am so unbelievably selfish. I always knew I was, but my utterly and overly human trait manifests itself once again in this situation. The bitterness I quietly harbor is what negates any hint of a selfless thought or act.



I could probably go on about this [as I often do about many things (what a verbose child)], drawing upon other past experiences even deeper rooted in my being than this situation. But why bother. The point is that we often lose -- and for me, I have a strongly bitter and selfish reaction to loss, reflective of my inability to just accept things with patience, understanding, and humility.



More discipline and prayer needed.

Christianity in Orissa, India.

Jane sent this to me just now.

I remember back in 2007 when I first heard about the orphanage burnings and the attacks against Christians in the Orissa region. The reports on the persecutions continued into 2008 when I lived in my tiny post-it covered apartment. I made sure that a post-it went up that said "Orissa" on it. Sadly, I've since moved to 2 different apartments and an Orissa post-it never went back up in either of them. Tomorrow when I return to Manhattan (from my one night retreat to the Other Island), I need to remember to put one up.

Summer '07.

I remember coming back from my summer in Peru and hearing about the Korean missionaries that were held hostage in Afghanistan. I remember hearing about the pastor who sacrificed his life to save his team and about his wife's amazing strength & faith when she spoke to her 9-year-old daughter about the death. I remember crying by myself when I heard this story. I remember the year before, when Ani asked me what my passion was and I responded "missions." I remember when Ani heard about the Korean missionaries and, knowing what my passion was, came to me and asked me not to go to anywhere as dangerous as Afghanistan. I remember looking at him and telling him that I couldn't guarantee anything because wherever I was to go, I was going to go. I remember him getting worried and I remember trying not to tear up too much as I explained to him that my passion for healing a broken world was so strong that I would die for it.

I may not be as intensely on fire as I was back then, but I do know that my passion is still there and that I would still die for it.

I'm looking forward to May 2011.

Life is so lacking sometimes.

It's moments like these where a combination of things just make me realize that this world is never going to be perfect and that it is broken, and often mundane or ugly or depressing. This isn't to say that Life isn't beautiful too...but there is undeniably something missing to it, something that this world cannot offer. This is manifest in the fact that this world can not and never will be perfect.

It is moments like these where I find great comfort in knowing that I still have enough faith to say that there will be better days beyond this world. The fact that I look forward to something greater in the future is assuring to me in regards to my faith.

I still am not too happy that in the mean time I have to be in this broken place. But what can you do.

Psalm 46

1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
Selah

4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.

5 God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.

6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

7 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah

8 Come and see the works of the LORD,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.

9 He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear,
he burns the shields [b] with fire.

10 "Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."

11 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah

Isaiah 61

Beautiful passage, IMO.

"...to preach good news to the poor
...to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives,
and release from darkness for the prisoners.

...to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.

They will rebuild the ancient ruins
and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
that have been devastated for generations.

...For as the soil makes the sprout come up
and a garden causes seeds to grow,
so the Sovereign LORD will make righteousness and praise
spring up before all nations."