I'm caught in Your grace...

A thousand times I've failed,
Still Your mercy remains
And should I stumble again,
I'm caught in Your grace...


I feel like the last quarter of my life so far has been filled with a lot of mistakes. I have the inexplicable ability to continually screw things up. Unfortunately, my mistakes bear consequences that not only affect me but also often [negatively] affect people around me. It would be easier if my consequences were really just my consequences. But they're not. And worse, I'm pretty sure that the fact that people are hurt by me is incredibly hurtful to God too.


For some reason, I lost it tonight. Thinking about how often and how badly I've messed up in the past number of years always brings me back to the question: why am I such a terrible person.


I need to continue reminding myself of the idea of grace and redemption. I marvel at these concepts; they are so beautiful in nature, which is partly why I find God so awe-inspiring. Yet, I can't fully accept His grace.

Today was the end of my three week food fast. It was truly an amazing experience and so happened to be the perfect time for me, as the weeks following the start of the fast were incredibly tough and trying. But God is good and carried me through. I'm considering extending my fast, though I think food fasting specifically may be unwise for me to continue. I need to contemplate a bit more but would definitely like to keep fasting and seeking.


I keep saying that I want to stop screwing up, that I'm tired of constantly making mistakes and making things worse and hurting people and etc etc etc. But I don't think I can stop making mistake after mistake if I can't first stop berating myself, accept grace, and forgive. It's only then that I can have some forward motion. So let's work on that for now...