Help! Save the date!

This is the more adorable Save The Date. So creative & cutely done :)
No, I do not know these people. A co-worker sent this to me. I feel a bit like a creeper...but who cares.

Appreciation

It's so true, isn't it -- you never know what you have until it's gone.

Bubbly

The rain is falling on my window pane
But we are hiding in a safer place
Under covers staying dry and warm
You give me feelings that I adore

I'm caught in Your grace...

A thousand times I've failed,
Still Your mercy remains
And should I stumble again,
I'm caught in Your grace...


I feel like the last quarter of my life so far has been filled with a lot of mistakes. I have the inexplicable ability to continually screw things up. Unfortunately, my mistakes bear consequences that not only affect me but also often [negatively] affect people around me. It would be easier if my consequences were really just my consequences. But they're not. And worse, I'm pretty sure that the fact that people are hurt by me is incredibly hurtful to God too.


For some reason, I lost it tonight. Thinking about how often and how badly I've messed up in the past number of years always brings me back to the question: why am I such a terrible person.


I need to continue reminding myself of the idea of grace and redemption. I marvel at these concepts; they are so beautiful in nature, which is partly why I find God so awe-inspiring. Yet, I can't fully accept His grace.

Today was the end of my three week food fast. It was truly an amazing experience and so happened to be the perfect time for me, as the weeks following the start of the fast were incredibly tough and trying. But God is good and carried me through. I'm considering extending my fast, though I think food fasting specifically may be unwise for me to continue. I need to contemplate a bit more but would definitely like to keep fasting and seeking.


I keep saying that I want to stop screwing up, that I'm tired of constantly making mistakes and making things worse and hurting people and etc etc etc. But I don't think I can stop making mistake after mistake if I can't first stop berating myself, accept grace, and forgive. It's only then that I can have some forward motion. So let's work on that for now...

Early morning thought: too little, too late

Up writing my proposal paper on trafficking issues in NYC. Typical.
Got distracted by my early morning thoughts. Also typical.

The phrase "too little, too late" is such a sad one. I would never want anyone to experience this phrase, either on the "too little" end or the "too late" end. But undoubtedly just having "too little" is better than an experience that encompasses the entire phrase. With just "too little," it's implied that only one party gets hurt whereas with "too little, too late," it's likely that both parties are hurt at some point by the end.

Potentially overemotional week: day 1

Scathed a bit but surviving.


I lift my eyes up
to the hills.
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from You,
Maker of heaven,
Creator of the earth.

Mac MacGuff: on love

I wrote this in my Moleskine journal when this movie first came out & my mind was whirling a bit.



Juno: I'm just like losing my faith with humanity.
Mac: Can you can narrow that down for me?
Juno: I just wonder if like, two people can ever stay together for good.
Mac: You mean like couples?
Juno: Yeah, like people in love.
Mac: Are you having boy troubles? Because I gotta be honest with you; I don't much approve of dating in your condition, 'cause well... that's kind of messed up.
Juno: That's not what it's about. I just need to know that it's possible that two people can stay happy together forever.
Mac: Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.

On loss & being selfish

I recently had to give up something that was very significant to me. It was in part my decision, though I often feel as if I didn't have much choice in the matter. It's not the first time that I've had to sacrifice in exchange of something [hopefully] better. I like to just think of it as me giving up my own comfort and joy for the betterment of someone else.

Selfless and noble sounding.

But I think what I've really come to realize in all of this is that I am so unbelievably selfish. I always knew I was, but my utterly and overly human trait manifests itself once again in this situation. The bitterness I quietly harbor is what negates any hint of a selfless thought or act.



I could probably go on about this [as I often do about many things (what a verbose child)], drawing upon other past experiences even deeper rooted in my being than this situation. But why bother. The point is that we often lose -- and for me, I have a strongly bitter and selfish reaction to loss, reflective of my inability to just accept things with patience, understanding, and humility.



More discipline and prayer needed.

Just because...

[via Alicia's Food For Thought]

Therapeutic blogging: on relationships.

Relationships are interesting.

When I was much younger, far too young to be in a romantic relationship, my mom advised me to take dating very seriously and to hold off on it as much as I could until I found someone I really wanted to be with in the long run. She warned me that though dating may seem fun and that constantly having someone care about you was nice, if I wasn't careful someone could be hurt from a broken relationship. Even though she's never been broken up with, she said that being the one to break up with someone hurts a lot too.

I'd like to think that I took my mom's advice well and was careful in choosing who I walked into a relationship with (100% record of having to be asked out more than once before I consented). Unfortunately, I still ended up with broken relationships.

The hardest part is that when you're in a serious one, you tend to invest more into one another. People have said that when you share a lot to someone and the relationship ends, it's like a piece of you is gone too because you gave those stories, secrets, moments, etc. to him or her (let's stick with "him" for now). But I think what's harder is that the other person is sharing with you his life...and when he's gone from your life, he takes his with him. And that's when you feel like part of you is gone.

It's been way over a year since the end of my last relationship, which happened to be my longest-standing and most serious one. While I don't desire to be back with him romantically (our life paths are just too different in direction), I still care a lot of course. But I'm no longer in a position where I can express that care in the same way; I've relinquished my rights. And what's incredibly difficult is knowing that I can no longer be part of certain parts of his life. His family is no longer my family; I've lost the privilege of adoring his baby cousins or saying hi to his grandparents during a long-distance phone call or laughing at his dad's super corny jokes. His friends can never really be my friends; we'll always have that awkward, unspoken knowledge that something went wrong in everything. Birthdays and holidays are now inappropriate times to celebrate with him.

It's tough. Even when you no longer have romantic feelings for someone anymore -- these are the things that make breakups (and post-breakups) difficult. But I think, maybe, that's how you also know you really (really) loved someone...when you miss all these other things so much (sometimes more than you miss the actual person). It's the remnants of some deep investment into one another's lives. It's awesome during the relationship; it sucks a ton when it's over.

When I look back and think of things I liked and miss about being in a relationship, it's not really about having someone to cuddle with during a movie or hold my hand in the park or buy me gifts or tell me I'm wonderful. Those are all great perks. But it's sharing a life with someone and having that someone share back with me. I think that's what I enjoy (and miss) the most in relationships.

I had some brand new shoes.

She & Him.

Can you tell I've been overly obsessed the past week?

Wasting time.

Things I'd like to ask you. Things I wish you knew.

[Brooklyn Bridge]

Did you ever wake up one morning and realize that you just wasted the past x-amount of years?

Candles.

[Photo by Kim Anderson]

Last night after visiting a friend's new & gorgeous apartment, I stood on the platform at 33rd St. thinking about how glad & fortunate I am to have met her. I happened to also be on the phone with another friend who, over my college years, has become someone that I value greatly. That led me to thinking about how blessed I am to be surrounded by amazing people.

I was considering having a post dedicated to a handful of specific women in my life that have really inspired & influenced me -- old roommates, current roommates, mentors, friends, etc. -- but then I had another idea: to have occasional posts dedicated to one person. Kind of like a highlight or profile...or a candle at a girl's sweet sixteen.

Despite my mom's desire to throw me one (more specifically, renting a weekend house out in the Hamptons for my friends & me), I never had one because I never wanted one. I found them to be silly celebrations that were oftentimes outrageously overdone (as clearly exhibited by MTV). The one part of sweet sixteens that I did really love though was the idea of the candle lighting. Ever since the first sweet sixteen I attended when I was much younger, I always wanted a reason to commemorate the beautiful, inspiring, & influential people in my life, but felt that I had missed a chance when I bypassed the 16th birthday mark.

Pretty silly of me. Who's to say that I can't just celebrate people on a daily basis?

I know that these people-posts won't mean much to the readers of this blog; many will just skip over it, especially when I write about someone they don't even know. The actual person I'm writing about might even skip over it. But I think that, in my efforts to rejuvenate my life, it's important for me to remember the good that's around me & to recognize the people who have helped me to get this far.