Therapeutic blogging: on relationships.

Relationships are interesting.

When I was much younger, far too young to be in a romantic relationship, my mom advised me to take dating very seriously and to hold off on it as much as I could until I found someone I really wanted to be with in the long run. She warned me that though dating may seem fun and that constantly having someone care about you was nice, if I wasn't careful someone could be hurt from a broken relationship. Even though she's never been broken up with, she said that being the one to break up with someone hurts a lot too.

I'd like to think that I took my mom's advice well and was careful in choosing who I walked into a relationship with (100% record of having to be asked out more than once before I consented). Unfortunately, I still ended up with broken relationships.

The hardest part is that when you're in a serious one, you tend to invest more into one another. People have said that when you share a lot to someone and the relationship ends, it's like a piece of you is gone too because you gave those stories, secrets, moments, etc. to him or her (let's stick with "him" for now). But I think what's harder is that the other person is sharing with you his life...and when he's gone from your life, he takes his with him. And that's when you feel like part of you is gone.

It's been way over a year since the end of my last relationship, which happened to be my longest-standing and most serious one. While I don't desire to be back with him romantically (our life paths are just too different in direction), I still care a lot of course. But I'm no longer in a position where I can express that care in the same way; I've relinquished my rights. And what's incredibly difficult is knowing that I can no longer be part of certain parts of his life. His family is no longer my family; I've lost the privilege of adoring his baby cousins or saying hi to his grandparents during a long-distance phone call or laughing at his dad's super corny jokes. His friends can never really be my friends; we'll always have that awkward, unspoken knowledge that something went wrong in everything. Birthdays and holidays are now inappropriate times to celebrate with him.

It's tough. Even when you no longer have romantic feelings for someone anymore -- these are the things that make breakups (and post-breakups) difficult. But I think, maybe, that's how you also know you really (really) loved someone...when you miss all these other things so much (sometimes more than you miss the actual person). It's the remnants of some deep investment into one another's lives. It's awesome during the relationship; it sucks a ton when it's over.

When I look back and think of things I liked and miss about being in a relationship, it's not really about having someone to cuddle with during a movie or hold my hand in the park or buy me gifts or tell me I'm wonderful. Those are all great perks. But it's sharing a life with someone and having that someone share back with me. I think that's what I enjoy (and miss) the most in relationships.