Appreciation

It's so true, isn't it -- you never know what you have until it's gone.

My friends are looking out for me

Advice from the lovely Jeanne Huang.

Valentine's

Home cooked dinner.
Mussels, pasta, garlic bread, wine.

Slightly tamer than last year's festivities...









Happy post-Valentine's Day, folks.

I'm caught in Your grace...

A thousand times I've failed,
Still Your mercy remains
And should I stumble again,
I'm caught in Your grace...


I feel like the last quarter of my life so far has been filled with a lot of mistakes. I have the inexplicable ability to continually screw things up. Unfortunately, my mistakes bear consequences that not only affect me but also often [negatively] affect people around me. It would be easier if my consequences were really just my consequences. But they're not. And worse, I'm pretty sure that the fact that people are hurt by me is incredibly hurtful to God too.


For some reason, I lost it tonight. Thinking about how often and how badly I've messed up in the past number of years always brings me back to the question: why am I such a terrible person.


I need to continue reminding myself of the idea of grace and redemption. I marvel at these concepts; they are so beautiful in nature, which is partly why I find God so awe-inspiring. Yet, I can't fully accept His grace.

Today was the end of my three week food fast. It was truly an amazing experience and so happened to be the perfect time for me, as the weeks following the start of the fast were incredibly tough and trying. But God is good and carried me through. I'm considering extending my fast, though I think food fasting specifically may be unwise for me to continue. I need to contemplate a bit more but would definitely like to keep fasting and seeking.


I keep saying that I want to stop screwing up, that I'm tired of constantly making mistakes and making things worse and hurting people and etc etc etc. But I don't think I can stop making mistake after mistake if I can't first stop berating myself, accept grace, and forgive. It's only then that I can have some forward motion. So let's work on that for now...

Early morning thought: too little, too late

Up writing my proposal paper on trafficking issues in NYC. Typical.
Got distracted by my early morning thoughts. Also typical.

The phrase "too little, too late" is such a sad one. I would never want anyone to experience this phrase, either on the "too little" end or the "too late" end. But undoubtedly just having "too little" is better than an experience that encompasses the entire phrase. With just "too little," it's implied that only one party gets hurt whereas with "too little, too late," it's likely that both parties are hurt at some point by the end.

2011

1. 365 days of pictures:
   In middle school and high school, I took a billion pictures; I was never without a camera (I had gone from disposable cameras to a point-and-shoot film camera to a beautiful Minolta xd-7 to a Canon G5, which was pretty much permanently attached to my hand from 10th grade until 12th grade). And then college hit and my camera suddenly stopped joining my on my daily adventures. Even after I purchased a Canon Rebel XS and a Canon SD780, my photo-taking increased a bit but still stayed at a significant low in comparison to my younger years. This year, I will document my life more -- because life is precious and my memory is seriously shot (note to self: take more fish oil capsules). Also, I'll try to post the week's pictures up.


2. Speak more than English:
   I will improve my Spanish significantly. I will learn to do more than read & write the Bengali alphabet -- I will actually learn words so that I can understand what I am reading & writing. I will improve my Cantonese. I will pick up more Mandarin. I will attempt French and Portuguese (again). The last sentence is a huge maybe.


3. Travel:
   Hong Kong. Macau. Nanning. Shanghai. Dhaka. Kolkata. Hyderabad. Mumbai. Rajasthan. Delhi. Kopila Valley. Dubai. Anywhere inspiring.


4. Read at least a double-digit amount of books:
   This excludes assigned academic texts and the Bible.


5. Read the Bible. Like, really read it:
   I once had about 10 books of the New Testament memorized word for word, references and all. And not just zombie-memorized; really studied and memorized. I sadly cannot say that I can recite most of them to you anymore. Time to brush up. Maybe not memorize word for word, but definitely take this reading way more seriously than I did in 2010.


6. Cultivate creativity:
   I will paint more than one piece this year. I will actually use my sketchbooks for more than propping up things and collecting dust. I will Sculpey. I will design. I will innovate. I will dance. I will get inspired in any way I can. I will spray paint. I will take photographs, not just pictures and snapshots. I will write. I will be someone's muse and model.


7. Listen to more music:
   I used to be a music junkie. The whole indie-punk stereotype. In 2011, I will discover new music and listen to it more. If you have recommendations, send them over. Music inspires me; I think that's why I stopped creating as much in college. I stopped listening to music like I used to.


8. Go on more daily adventures:
   This pertains specifically to my city. I don't know how much longer I will be in New York City, the best place ever. I may be here forever...but I may not. I already go on a good amount of excursions on these streets but I want to continue it and do it even more this coming year.


9. Listen to more sermons online:
   At least twice a month.


10. Select and maintain friendships better:
    In the past, I've gotten into a lot of trouble because of people misinterpreting my actions -- either I act too much and end up being seen as demanding or I don't act enough and I'm told I'm ignoring people. I will be more conscious of my friendships, make dates with people, enjoy company, be aware of girls' cattiness and boys' idiocies, and mold myself more to be a better friend who understands, accepts, and loves her friends around her. In an almost paradoxical attempt at a balance, I will also be more careful in choosing who I spend my time with and who I let into my heart. Not everyone should be so intimately deemed a friend, otherwise there may be a lot of hurt and heartache. Noted.


11. Say yes to dates/give him a chance:
    Since I was twelve, I have had some terrible stigma against the male population. I don't know if it's some need to prove I don't need a guy...that's likely it...but who knows. Guys who have shown interest in me I have shot down almost immediately. As I got older, the reaction time got faster too. And my reactions got meaner (ashamedly so).
    "Hey, are you friends with --"
    "Bugger off. I'm not interested."
    "But --"
    "BUGGER. OFF."
    "I was just --"
    "I'm a lesbian. And I have 5 kids. Go away."
    "Okay...nice chatting..."
    "Idiot."
    Okay, I exaggerate. I'm not that mean ever. But I really don't give guys much of a chance. It seems very counter-my-personality though to be so cold. With most new people, I'm cheery and excited to meet them. I think I just get turned off as soon as a guy shows interest. Anyways, I think it's time to melt the ice queen a bit (I was actually called that twice the past month) and start giving *some* guys a chance. It's unlikely (I reallyyy emphasize that word) anything will transpire beyond a coffee or a dinner but I don't see why we can't enjoy that coffee or dinner before realizing we're really nothing but acquaintances who like frapps or salmon rolls more than we like each other's company. It may be...nice. And who knows, a friendship may come out of it instead. Though guys almost never want to be friends with girls...whole 'nother story.


12. Take care of my physical self:
    Hopefully this means that I will work out more than once a month. But this definitely means that I will watch what and how I eat as much as possible (eat slower, chew more, go organic whenever fiscally possible, smaller portions, etc). I will drink more water and tea. I will take my vitamins and supplements (fish oil!!!). I will eat even more fruits and veggies than I already do. I will meditate. I will not sit on my butt all day. I will moisturize. I will definitely wear sunscreen (Baz Luhrmann).


13. Call home more:
    Or gchat or email or text. Whatever. And subresolution to this is to make sure I talk to Timothy more. I love my family and I want them to know that.

I think that's a pretty decent list for now. Broad enough to cover most things I want to do but specific enough to give a picture...actionable...measurable...timely...okay, yeah, I've been working on policy and business plan developments too much.

QOTD (deux)

Mallory: who could possibly reject you?
your so small and cute
me: hahah
Mallory: most of the time i just want to take you home and rub my face against you
me: ...



(She's never going to get the your/you're thing right, is she?)

On loss & being selfish

I recently had to give up something that was very significant to me. It was in part my decision, though I often feel as if I didn't have much choice in the matter. It's not the first time that I've had to sacrifice in exchange of something [hopefully] better. I like to just think of it as me giving up my own comfort and joy for the betterment of someone else.

Selfless and noble sounding.

But I think what I've really come to realize in all of this is that I am so unbelievably selfish. I always knew I was, but my utterly and overly human trait manifests itself once again in this situation. The bitterness I quietly harbor is what negates any hint of a selfless thought or act.



I could probably go on about this [as I often do about many things (what a verbose child)], drawing upon other past experiences even deeper rooted in my being than this situation. But why bother. The point is that we often lose -- and for me, I have a strongly bitter and selfish reaction to loss, reflective of my inability to just accept things with patience, understanding, and humility.



More discipline and prayer needed.

I love David.

Because he hits me upside the head with just the right force.

[via text]
Me: Do you think I overthink too much? I think I'm overly emotional. Sigh.
David: sometimes u think too much. sometimes u don't think enough.
Me: Haha, touche.

Gil: "Psh, he's just a hater."

In discussing Sunday (Halloween):

Garland: yup
scrub it up
me: haha
no im being a minion!!!


Garland: u aint that cute
me: :(
i know
but i want a million of those!!!!
im obsessed with them
:D
me: "Gil: hahaha
tell garland i disagree"
yeahhh!! w'dupppp

[insert a series of major typos/typing fails]

Garland: ...
you totally failed typing up that snipet
TWICE
me: haha i know, i kept hitting enter
Garland: hehe
silly you
i guess a minion would do something silly like that
i suppose you are becoming more like one
cute
DONT LET THAT GET TO YOUR HEAD THO
me: HAHAHA
i actually LOLed in class.
sigh.
this is why im gonna fail my midterm later
Garland: i have such awesome powers.

Agents of change.

Awww. You know you're special when someone not only quotes you, but puts your quote into some pretty graphic that looks like it belongs on someone's Tumblr page :)



Haha. Thanks, Jeannie.


PS - Yesterday, I made the comment that a sign that you've pretty much succeeded in my field, the sign that you've done something pretty spectacular with your life, is when you're mentioned, quoted, interviewed, or (best of all) highlighted by Nick Kristof. Hero.

More water talk. #BlogActionDay2010

Just earlier, Mark and I were talking, and the fact came up that a lack of clean water kills more people every year than all forms of violence, including war. He mentioned that this was the fact that struck him the most about the water issue. It's pretty horrific and really puts into perspective how deadly water can be for many in this world (one in eight billion, actually). Not to sound callous, but it sounds about right. If over 38,000 children are dying every week because of water-related illnesses, then yeah, I can believe that the issue kills more people than all the wars and acts of violence occurring in our world.

Mark went on to comment that the Nobel Peace Price should go to the person who most alleviates the water problem.

Honestly though, there are so many who are working on this issue from so many levels. The solutions are already there. But it takes more than just organizations like Charity:water or Lifewater International to change the numbers. It takes people and mobilization. Unfortunately, for every great idea or solution we have out there, there is even more apathy and inaction.

I read this quote from Christian just yesterday as he was presenting MakeSense at the i7 Summit in Paris yesterday:

"Reward success. Celebrate failure. Punish inaction."

I know it was more in relation to the work that MakeSense is doing, but it made me think yesterday. Yeah, "punish" is a strong word but it's true that the biggest hindrance to development and progress in our society today is inaction, often driven by apathy. It is one of the things that keeps me up at night -- how can we motivate people to bring social change or to do social good?

It's been one of the things that has been on my mind a lot. It's one of the main reasons why The 3:18 Movement was birthed. And it so happens we're currently focused on the clean water issue.


Moving onward, I do have to say that I am incredibly glad for today. It has been such an inspiring day -- what with Blog Action Day (#BlogActionDay2010 #bad2010), The Feast conference (#feastongood), the RSA animation on Sir Ken Robinson's talk of social change, and a work meeting with some amazing & dedicated NYC women in fighting sex trafficking.

Today was the reminder I needed of why I do what I do and how much I love doing it.

Lastly, consider doing some of the following:

• Blog/tweet/FB/whatever about the water issue.
• Join The 3:18 Movement's campaign by either walking for a cause or joining the 3:18 team
• If you can't do the walk on October 23rd, consider sponsoring one of a walker. The money raised will bring clean water, health education, and community development to hundreds in Northern Uganda.
• Sign the petition below:

Petitions by Change.org|Start a Petition »

Let's change the world :)

Breaking the news on Gchat...

Me: so i actually started...
uhhh
wait
dont yell at me
Gil: ....
i'm scared
Me: ok, well, i'm going to start an alcohol fast
hahah
Gil: WHAT?!
NOOOO
WHY?!?!??!
*sniff*

This coming Lazy Sundaze at Vault.

Green Street x Designed 2 Perfection x Team Vault release party. Free giveaways, mimosas, music, etc.

On bikes, namely in NYC.

On Friday, I had lunch with Christine and Kamran, who was in the process of picking out a bike (& ended up getting one the following day on his birthday!). We talked a bit about bikes and biking in NYC, as it seems to be a popular topic amongst my friends & acquaintances this summer. They asked me, "So with everyone around you biking now, are you going to get one? Would you?" Without hesitation, I replied no. Honestly, I don't think I have the guts to bike in Manhattan. Also, I have nowhere to store a bike currently. Add on my current income. Really, I never even considered getting one because it just seemed un-me.

BUT



I have to say that (coincidentally!) Design*Sponge just put up 2 posts in a row about bikes and for the first time ever, I want one. I know, I know, I have zero knowledge on bikes (except how to ride them kind of), and the ones featured in the post are probably not the ideal road bikes for the rough streets of NYC...but they're super cute & I can accessorize. So yeah, maybe having a bike wouldn't be too shabby. Not to mention, I was watching the news tonight and evidently, MTA is considering jacking the monthly unlimited up to $130 (that's a whole 'nother anger-inducing topic though; let's stay cheery).

Look how pretty! And eco-friendly, yeah?

Animal love & cruelty all in one post.

I've been up with KP, sipping wine & moving into our apartment (3 months later), and because I cannot sleep (I want to, but my bed is covered in jackets & hats & skirts), I'll post some pictures from last week.

Within a week, I visited this puppy shop twice.


Peaced.


This guy was dancing. So funny.


Favorite.


Not a dog. But funny.





Went over to Garland's last weekend to help him settle into his new apartment in Midtown...
This is what I discovered:


Steaming a bear that someone handmade for him. What a jerk, I know.


Donde esta PETA??


You can see the steam coming out...poor guy.

Labor day weekend.

Minus a few bumps in the road, this weekend was a pretty nice weekend to have before I return to my imminent death-by-boredom/irritation/anxxiety thanks to the academic institution I currently am attending a scheduled routine of classes & work. A bit sad though because I left my camera behind for a good portion of it.

Highlights:

• Traveled out to Long Island for a day: Parentals + dog
• Art projects & creative juices
• Back to Manhattan: celebrations + kids card games with a 21+ spin
• Amazing flea markets
• Puppy shops
• Brunch at Penelope
• SoHo/West Village wanderings + meeting new friends on the street
• Lots of sushi
• Rooftopping with good friends

So long, sweet summer.

End of the summer henna.

Jennifer's hand.


Mine.

Thanks, Jeannie!

08.27.10: Pickles & paintings.

After a yummy lunch at Banh Mi and some Lower East Side wandering, David & I came across that pickle store that my AP Government teacher from high school used to talk about: The Pickle Guys. Awesome.



Then I forced David to paint the rest of the afternoon.



Took a break for sangria & roasted eggplant spread over bread...I think my taste buds danced a little.



After our painting ordeal, we dragged some folks to my favorite neighborhood Tavern on 13th St...where I found a tipsy friend sitting on recycling tossed on to the curb.



Love this fool.

Mellow days make me smile.

08.24.10: Fifth Ave + fro'yo.

Jeffrey came back from India recently so we had a day of catch up & curious adventure.

After a beastly meal at Jackson Hole (having lived primarily on a pescatarian & macrobiotic diet this summer, I can't remember the last time I ate that much meat & grease!), we decided to wander my new neighborhood.



The entrance to Central Park closest to me also happens to be where the Central Park Zoo is. Beautiful! I named this fellow Catherine (for privacy reasons, I won't reveal his full name). We also discovered the "Zootique," which has some fluffy stuffed animal toys.

We headed down 5th Ave. where we admired the gorgeous window displays. I'm a fan of the current building design of Louis Vuitton. Not too happy that there was an Abercrombie & Fitch right next to Prada that had a line wrapping around the block just to get in the store. I might have gagged, which might have in turn freaked Jeffrey out.

As we walked into Bergdorf Goodman to peruse, he thought it would be more fun to speak to one another in other languages and disguise ourselves as international tourists. Except that our non-English tongues don't match. Still a fun (and economically humbling) stroll through the store.

We switched over to Lexington Ave. where we passed a building whose top floor looked like a jungle. Being curious kids, we searched for a way to get up there. We finally found an entrance around the corner, through which we met a woman who directed us to the 3rd floor.



This is a spa/salon and possibly one of the most zen feeling places in Manhattan. It was as if we were inside a dream. Phyto Universe has the largest vertical garden in the United States, with over 9,000 plants spanning 3,000 feet creating a mini rainforest in Manhattan. In addition to that, they have a room dedicated to perfumes. I wasn't allowed to take a picture but they have these gorgeous large crystal urns containing different scents, with the names of each engraved in gold script on the crystal. Amazingly beautiful. The owner let me test some scents and pick one to wear. They also gave Jeffrey a sample of their men's scent.

Here are some more pics, stolen off Google image:







Great discovery. I recommend checking it out. And if you can afford it, maybe try their treatments.

When we walked out, it was like being hit -- we went from this completely tranquil place where we forgot that we existed in a Real World, back out to the bustling of Manhattan. For me, at least, I felt like I woke up from a dream (this seems to be a recurring theme in my life recently).

We headed to Bloomingdale's for some frozen yogurt at their Forty Carrots cafe.



Huge portions and super yum, though we both agreed that Red Mango or Pinkberry may still have a better taste to it.

Not a shabby day of catch up.